lack thereof

you tell me you care
but don’t want to share
your heart in the both of our hands

yet you want to take mine
just any old time
for the same exact feelings we shared

if you do want a kiss
but miss out on the bliss
there is no care anywhere near

you want a blow out of sight
while nothing’s alright
try to tell me you care
while you continue to use me
night after night

my body is not a playing field
it is a home to a brain and to love
it is not something you can take
it is home to all wonders above

so if you kiss me that’s fine
but just know in due time
i will expect for your heart
to also be mine


-Kaitlin Marianne
written January 26, 2018 at 6:00pm



Some super exciting news!

I am releasing a book this year, September 9, 2018. This is my 20th birthday; I am fulfilling a promise that I made to myself when I turned 18.

And I am fulfilling this promise to myself by self-publishing. I have taken this route because I am confident of my capabilities in this process and would love to take on this huge feat.
One of my best friends is designing the cover.
I am in good hands, those being my friend’s and my own.

Everything just feels incredibly magical and I feel so fortunate to have the privilege to be able to do this for myself.

This all just feels so magical and I am so excited to dig in and get to work on this in the next coming months.

This is a really big step for me in my life.

I feel good.

This is what I’m meant to be doing, I am sure of it.

More information is to come.


Kaitlin Marianne


right person
wrong time
but is it such a crime-
if you look for a lemon
and get a lime
happens all the time



Kaitlin Marianne.
written 1:20 am dec. 28, 2017


Let’s talk about suicide.

I am Kaitlin Marianne and I have been suicidal since around the age of 10 or 11 (it all blends together and I can no longer tell).
I typically type in all lowercase because it tends to be a thing of comfort for me somehow, but this is a serious matter and deserves a little more oomph in that regards, I think.
If you think that reading about this subject in detail will negatively impact you and your health, I advise you to not continue. Just in case, there are hotlines at the very end of this in case.
I am currently 19 years old, living in New Jersey, going to school in Philadelphia. I study musical theatre. It is extremely difficult as I don’t have much experience other than singing prior to coming to school here. I had only been in a few shows, had no acting class experience, no formal dance training, no knowledge of the industry, and could probably only name about 5 shows. The fact that I got into any programs was a miracle in and of itself.
It is also a miracle that I continue to wake up every single morning, and that I have for this past near-decade.
I have battled with depression, anxiety, and suicide for a really fucking long time now. It’s agonizing. Throughout all of these times, it has come and gone in waves. Whenever it was gone, I would think it was the end. Whenever it was there, I knew it was so much more than just a one time thing. There is nothing like the fucking hopelessness of waking up in the morning and wishing that you hadn’t. There is nothing like staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror at 4 in the fucking morning with as many different pills as you could find cupped in the palm of your sweaty, shaky hand, thinking that this would be best for everyone. God, when you look at yourself in the fucking mirror, you don’t look human anymore. You don’t. You don’t feel human because you feel devoid of all life and instead just exist in a chaotic state of hopelessness. Your features morph into those you have never seen before. You begin to look like that fucking monstrosity of a thing in your head telling you this is the only and best option. You start to look like it because you begin to submit to it. You begin to submit to all of the torment and you let it happen and you let it keep happening.
Yet you can’t get a single pill down even when you try.
You can’t even keep it in your mouth for more than a second.
Your mouth is so fucking dry that it sticks and glues itself to your tongue for a moment before you rip it away, put every single pill away, and collapse in a heap on the floor because you remember how much of a disappointment you would be to everyone if you did that. If you let yourself be the thing that kills you.
I don’t know about you, but the idea of disappointing someone else fucking eats me up inside.
And it is the only thing that has kept me alive.
But when do I start remaining alive for myself?

Being suicidal and being depressed isn’t always a handful of pills, though.
Most of the time, it’s pushing away everyone who’s important to you so that it’ll hurt them less once you’re gone because they were never close enough.
Sometimes it’s having to always be right about everything and hurting others without realizing it or owning up to it when it matters simply because you can’t handle another thing in your head telling you that you are wrong and undeserving of being on this planet because of it.
Sometimes it means clinging onto the people you love most despite it all just because you can’t bear to be without them even when they’ve already made up their mind.

Sometimes it’s all of these things at once.
No matter what the fuck it is, it all fucking hurts. Pushing people away hurts. Watching them no longer try for you hurts. But it’s your own fault because you hurt them. And it’s more agony than it ever would have been to at least try to admit that you were wrong and shoulder the weight yourself instead of making others shoulder it unknowingly. I didn’t know, but it’s still unacceptable.

I deserve to give myself better.
I deserve better.
I deserve life.
I deserve to exist at all.
I deserve to breathe.
But mostly, I deserve happiness.
I deserve long lasting happiness.
Because though I’ve experienced so much happiness through these years, not enough of it has come from me and stuck with me and been enough to keep me pulling through for myself and even to actually get better.

And at the end of the day when I only have myself, I don’t want to be staring in the fucking mirror seeing something entirely different.

I cannot rely on others for happiness anymore, and I cannot rely on others to fix me. I can lean on people sometimes, I can ask for support, I can ask for help here and there, but the saving needs to come from me. Nobody can save me except for me.


The light I need to get me through has to be my own.


It’s a fucking pain in the ass finding it. It’s not fucking going to be easy. None of it’s fucking easy. If it was easy I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Scratch that, I would have never been in it to begin with. But this is something I need to fucking work on and fix within myself because I fucking owe it to myself. I owe myself abundant love and happiness to make up for all these fucking years without it. I deserve to address the situation and to say that no, I’m not fucking okay, instead of just glossing over it and downplaying it because that’s just doing myself an injustice. My livelihood is a very serious thing and I’m fucking sick of not treating it like it is and just burying myself in others ignoring it and ignoring the repercussions my actions have on myself and others so that, maybe, it’ll just go the fuck away.

I am suffering. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have been all of these things for so fucking long and it feels like I’m finally owning up to it, finally no longer lying about how I’m doing.
It’s going to take so much fucking time because of both the severity of the thing and how fucking long it’s been with these things. I need time. I need to be here for myself so that I no longer hurt those who were also here for me. My being suicidal isn’t fucking fair for anyone. Definitely not myself, but not for anyone around me either. Nobody deserves to hurt because I hurt. I need to be better for myself, for others, and because I don’t want to be the reason someone else isn’t okay, especially when that person has always meant the world to me.

Somehow I remain optimistic.
I really don’t know how.
Honestly, that’s a miracle just as much as my breathing in this very moment is.
But I mean, I’m addressing it. I’m here. I’m owning all of my faults.  I’m owning all the hurt I caused both others and myself.
And I’m fucking owning my progress, too.
Every single tiny step.

I need to be the reason I continue to be here. I fucking owe myself. Right now it seems so unachievable but I need to take baby steps. I have to trust that I will get there. I need to practice mindfulness and figure out reasons why I love myself and reasons why I should stay alive. There are so many. Life is bountiful. I am bountiful, too. I just need to convince myself of it.

If you are struggling as well, I urge you to seek help. I recently began therapy and it has been one of the best decisions that my mom has ever forced me into (because, let’s be real, I really needed a fucking push).

Here are some hotlines. Please call them if you are considering suicide. I promise you, it will not fix things for everyone else like you think it will. And it definitely won’t fix you. But you can fix you. Life is around you, but, more importantly, life is in you. And you deserve it just as much as anyone else does. I fucking promise.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Trevor Project Lifeline for LGBTQ Youth: (866) 488-7386

I am based in America, so here are hotlines from other countries – just in case.

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

China: 85223820000

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

I’m sending all of the love I can muster.
But please forgive me if it’s not as much as usual – I really need some for myself right now.
Kaitlin Marianne.


sunsets in winter

pink rockets in the sky
bubblegum and winter fourth of july
love streaks through blue hues so white
horrid antithesis of lover’s delight
it all fades to navy
and lightens to black
in your bountiful hope
that i never come back



written dec 21, 2017 at 4:38pm

by kaitlin marianne


& it’s all suddenly gone

I miss you more
than I wish to say,
latching on
to our golden days;
a spark, an end, and now dismay-
oh how I wish
the spark had stayed.


oct. 31, 2017; 9:14pm


waking up in the morning

glass half full or glass half empty
maybe it’s all empty
maybe i’m sitting in a dimly lit room
with only a sliver of sunlight even trying
to sneak in from under the blinds
to draw me out
to snap me back to life
to draw my eyes away from the
blank // empty ceiling
with not even a whirring ceiling fan to keep me company
to be a companion
to numb me
to have everything, every sensation slip away from my mind and from my being
the sunlight hidden behind the blinds
waiting for me
my once comfortable bed sheets now feel like
nothing at all
floating in an empty glass
somehow never ending-
maybe if my glass were half empty
or even half full
life would feel like something
like life
instead of emptiness
instead of nothing at all-





9 may 2017